Anonymous asked:
Is there like, a beginner guide to non-binary terms and identities?
I suppose pretty much any glossary or lexicon would be what you’re looking for. Just depends on how you prefer things organized. Here’s some glossaries to start with:
Just know there’s no “basic” set of 101 terms because nonbinary encompasses such a wide variety of feels and experiences. There are more well known and more commonly used terms, but there’s no “this is what you absolutely need to know first” and “this can wait until later” because it all depends, really, on what you’re looking for exactly.
These glossaries can be overwhelming. It’s okay to not know every gender people are coming up with. In fact, it’s near impossible. I’ve spent lots of time making a glossary on another blog and continually referencing multiple glossaries to help answer people’s questions and suggest terms for them, and I still re-learn terms and am always discovering new ones. What’s important is that when someone in your life presents you with a term you don’t know, you take the time to learn what it means because it’s important to someone who is important to you.
So if you find yourself getting overwhelmed and even lost and confused, you’re not doing anything wrong. You’ve simply reached past the point of what you can take in at a given time.
Followers, what was your favorite simple guide or glossary to getting to understand what nonbinary means and encompasses?
Anonymous asked:
Hi I'm AFAB and struggling to find common ground between gender expression and identity I know how I want my gender expressed, and am willing to use multiple mean to reach that (top surgery, low-dosage T, binders, exercise) However I'm clueless with gender identity. Over the years I've bounced between various labels (Cis, Agender, Demigirl/fluid, Queer) and never found one that fit. The self-doubt is draining and leads to feeling terrible. I'm wondering if this is normal and any other advice?
I tortured myself for months, at least, trying to find that one true specific label meant just for me. Nothing felt right. Nothing fit. Nothing even seemed close enough that I wanted to seriously try it. My depression and dissociation grew worse. My self-doubt grew worse. My imposter syndrome grew worse.
Until one day, it got so bad… I quit. I decided to stop trying to find a label that likely didn’t even exist, mostly because I didn’t really understand how I really felt about my gender, and how was I supposed to find a label when I couldn’t even describe my feelings for myself? Nothing was ever just going to magically click for me and make me understand. But I knew I could no longer just live like I was cis. So, even though it didn’t feel right and even though I didn’t feel like I belonged or could or should use the term, I did. I gave up my relentless search and just used nonbinary, an umbrella term whose huddled masses beckoned to me and welcomed me, even though I felt like I belonged in the rain.
It wasn’t until years that that I realized the term nonbinary had somehow, somewhere along the line, become draped over me like I well-fitting cloak. I wasn’t just a pretender co-opting the term. I was nonbinary. I realized it the day I joyfully told a friend who was telling me they were an agender man, and we were so excited to be two rocks in the river who happened to pass by each other and by happy coincidence understand each other so well. I hadn’t realized until that point that I had accepted the term nonbinary for myself. I hadn’t realized that I’d come to terms with and accepted myself for who I was. I had struggled so much earlier due to internalized exorsexism and feeling like I wasn’t nonbinary enough to actually be nonbinary. It took a long. damn. time. to sort that out and unlearn it.
Point being… what you’re feeling is completely normal! Questioning can be an extremely frustrating and disheartening time. You feel like you don’t belong anywhere. You feel like you don’t know yourself and never will. You feel like you’re behind everybody else’s progress. You feel like you’ll never get it and you’ll always be trying to traverse through quicksand while everybody else is rolling along in cars on the highway.
My advice is to do what I did: shed that which is hurting you. You’re not enjoying trying on so many labels. You’re not enjoying this phase of questioning. So, give yourself permission to stop.
Maybe you decide to shed labels altogether and live as just You.
If you do what I did and decide to just let yourself use a term that you’re not sure is yours but is possibly the best fit regardless, I have two suggestions for you.
The first is genderqueer. It’s similar to nonbinary, but encompasses more. It’s a gender, but it’s also a statement, and it’s also an expression. It simply means to queer gender. It sounds like that’s exactly what you’re doing. Our genderqueer tag has some good resources on understanding what genderqueer means, especially this post.
The second is questioning. The Q is not just for queer. It is also for questioning. I think sometimes we get too wrapped up in getting past questioning that we really don’t give this label and identity the respect and attention it deserves. Questioning isn’t just a hump that you have to get over or a test you must pass to graduate past it. Questioning is something basically all of us go through - and probably more people should spend time doing periodically throughout life. Questioning can be a hard and confusing time… but sometimes it’s as far as many of us get. Questioning is valid. Questioning is beautiful. Questioning people matter. Questioning people belong. You’re questioning. You’re not lesser for being questioning. You’re not wrong for being questioning. Questioning is what you’re doing, and it’s a perfectly valid and wonderful label. You don’t have to understand yourself to know some of the things you want, like medical transition. You don’t have to understand yourself to pursue some of the things you want.
Maybe you’ll never really perfectly understand your gender feels. I still don’t, and I have a happy home being nonbinary and genderqueer. But I don’t understand all this entails in regards to the specific ways my gender manifests and feels. Maybe that’s because there is no specific way my gender manifests and feels. I just know it doesn’t manifest confined to a binary prison.
Give yourself a break. You’re tired. Rest and make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Now is the time for some self-care rituals. Now is the time for self-love. You’re not doing anything wrong. You don’t have to wear yourself down chasing rainbows. It’s okay to admire the rainbow from afar.
[photo of a striking blue lake with mountains on the left and a dense evergreen forest on the right. There are clouds in the sky and a large rainbow sits over the landscape in the background.]
Anonymous asked:
I'm non-binary and didn't have any pronoun preference, she/he/they anything is fine, but I have been having a huge issue with transphobes who use she because that's my agab and how I come across even if I try to look more neutral/masculine. It is making me really upset and making me completely reject my agab as well as she pronouns, and feeling more like wanting permanent solutions like hormones and surgery as I'd feel better looking more like a trans guy instead.
I think almost everyone if not everyone who doesn’t have a pronoun preference has this same exact story as you: little to no people who put forth the effort to using any pronouns, much less multiple pronouns.
You have a couple of options here, as I see it, with addressing these people.
- You can turn to the people who’ve shown they do respect you. Spend more time with them. It’s self-care to surround yourself with love.
- You can absolutely call these people out. You can start out gentle. “You’ve only been using she/her pronouns since I told you I am okay with any pronouns. It seems like there may have been a miscommunication here. I do like she/her pronouns! But I don’t want anyone using just one set of pronouns for me always. How about you use he/him for me today?” You can let go of the social nicety of pretending like it’s only a misunderstanding. “Hey, you know am okay with any pronouns and prefer that all of them get used. Why are you only referring to me as she/her?” You can let go of the explanation and just correct them. “You’ve been using she/her a lot. It’s they/them today.”
- You can recruit people to help you call others out and tell them to use different pronouns. Maybe a good friend can even have a conversation with some of these folk when you’re not around so you don’t have to hear all the cisnormative and cissexist excuses. (You can also do this, but you’re not obligated to.) If there’s any that seem like they might be willing to listen and put in at least some minimal effort, these are the ones to have the conversations with. The straight up dismissive bigots aren’t going to be worth the time for this conversation. Your friend could point out that they’ve only been using she/her pronouns for you and let them know that’s not okay and ask about why they aren’t making more of an effort to use he/him and they/them for you. They’ll have excuses and may even get deflective and defensive. Neither you nor any friend of yours can help these people open their minds up and work on growing and changing if they don’t want to become better. This conversation isn’t about getting them to understand. It’s about giving them something to think about and having someone else be the one to push them to using more/other pronouns.
- I hate to say it, but probably the most effective method is going to be to have a preference, at least with these people. Assign them each different pronouns. “Hey, I said I was okay with any pronouns, but I’m finding that I’m developing more preferences. Please use he/him pronouns for me now.” (Some get he/him, some get they/them. You can leave some of them with she/her if you want.) Or request different pronouns depending on the day. “Actually, today really feels like a they/them day. Please use they/them for me today instead of she/her.” And then correct them when they use she/her. Stay strong. Stay the course. You’re not asking anything unreasonable. They’re the ones mistreating you.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. You’re not alone in any way. I’ve been rejecting feminine looks more and more (and I’ve been fairly androgynous since middle school) as I struggle with wanting to come out and not being in a safe enough place that I feel I can yet. Sometimes fluidity in our identities, personalities, expressions, etc. is natural. It just happens over time. Sometimes, though, we are influenced by outside factors such as how we’re perceived and referred to and treated. Sometimes we have to bend not break so we can get healthcare or jobs or feel safer in society.
You’re not wrong for feeling this way. We do what we have to in order to survive as best we can. We always hope and strive for better. Sometimes that means how we feel changes. These changes may be short-term or long-term, temporary or permanent, static or fluctuating. None of that is wrong or bad.
You do not have to sit by and continue to feel crappy just because you told these people you didn’t have a pronoun preference and they’ve used that as an excuse to cover up their laziness and bigotry. Call them out! Limit your time with them whenever possible. Make sure you’re putting aside time for your own self-care. You’re valid, and you matter. Take care of yourself, first and foremost. You’re doing great. <3
Anonymous asked:
I’m afab but feel more like a mixture between a feminine guy and a third gender option (I’ll just say genderqueer boy) I like to wear dresses and makeup but wish I had a male body. I like they/them pronouns but feel more like a guy. The problem is I feel like people will always see me as a girl rather than a genderqueer boy because the way I like to dress and and how short and curvy my body is. Do you have any advice?
This is waaaaay easier said than done, I know, but you need to start letting go of the responsibility of other people’s perceptions.
Other people will have perceptions. They will make assumptions. The will be cisnormative. They will misgender you. Those are them issues. Not a you issue.
Of course you want to be seen for who you are. This is a reasonable and vulnerable and human hope. We all want to just be able to exist for who we are and be seen and respected for that.
Unfortunately, we don’t live in that society. So you have to pick your battles.
Wear dresses and makeup! Use they/them pronouns! Lean towards being a guy! Rock who you are! That is your truth. That is your rebellion. So you have a short and curvy body and wear dresses and makeup and are a feminine guy/genderqueer boy? You’re awesome and you’re being who you are! Do that. That is the best, happiest life you can live.
Let strangers think what they’re going to think. You’re going to come out to the people you know and that it matters to come out to, and the ones that deserve a place in your life are going to accept that and see you and respect you.
It’s a struggle, a fight, and an uphill battle, and that sucks. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but there are people who are going to let you down and hurt you. Those people aren’t worth your time or effort. I promise you that there are people out there who will see you for who you are and love that and respect that.
I am one of them.
You have enough worries in life. Do yourself the favor of letting go of some of the ones you cannot control. You could hyperconform to a certain expression/presentation and there would still be people out there who would misgender you and make cisnormative assumptions about you and who you are. The question is what will make you happier: looking how you think others think you should look or getting to be yourself and maybe even using that as a marker to help navigate who really deserves to be a part of your life.
You’re valid. Nobody can change that, no matter what they think about you.
Not all trans guys identify as FTM. Some people feel they were never female to start with, they were always male inside and just weren’t able to recognize/express it, or that their body wasn’t female because it’s their body and they aren’t female, so they may not feel comfortable with a term that implies they once were female in some way.
Similarly, not all trans women identify as male-to-female because they may feel they were always truly female, and therefore being called MTF which implies they male may make them feel dysphoric.
Some people do identify as FTM and MTF, and that’s okay and valid. There’s nothing problematic with self-identifying as one of those terms. Some people do feel like before their transition and self-identification, their gender and/or body was that of their axab, and that’s also a normal experience.
So the terms themselves aren’t inherently problematic because they do fit some people’s self-identification and they way they feel about their transition.
But since not all trans people are comfortable with the XtX terminology, it can be problematic when people treat MTF and trans woman as interchangeable terms, or FTM and trans man as interchangeable terms.
Self-identifying as FTM or MTF is fine, but using the two as umbrella terms to refer to all trans men or all trans women can be problematic.
Anonymous asked:
Are there any nonbinary/genderqueer words to referring to us? Like the same way, people get called a boy or girl. But the nonbinary version if that makes sense? Thank you!
Person, kid, enbe (or the more casual enby), neut/newt, or gul.
Anonymous asked:
Hi! I am demigirl and I was wondering about my orientation. I could be sexualy into anyone who does not have a penis actually... Am I a lesbian? But I am into non-binary people if they are not biologically man...
This is a… very loaded question. Like, there’s a lot going on here and because of that, I’m actually going to skip around the core of your question because I think there’s a deeper issue here that needs addressed more, and I don’t want to distract from that. Please know I’m not yelling at or shaming you. These are hard things to unlearn, and it takes a lot of time and work to start challenging how we think about these things. It’s something I still struggle with myself! So here goes:
Here’s what you do: Show people a sketch of a cartoon person—circle-for-head, ovals for arms and body—with a dotted line linking it to an equally cartoony thing, a balloon-animal dog. Over the person’s head loom two thought bubbles, a round one containing three question marks and a jagged one with three exclamation points. That’s it. And the test is, describe what’s happening.
Importantly, the people being tested, upwards of 2,000 of them, were all native speakers of Swedish, an old language that has learned a new trick. Like English, Swedish used two pronouns to indicate the gender of a person, hon (she) and han (he). But in 2012, a new word dropped into Swedish discourse: hen, a nongendered pronoun that could replace either or both.
So this was the real test. Would native-speaker Swedes, seven years after getting a new pronoun plugged into their language, be more likely to assume this androgynous cartoon was a man? A woman? Either, or neither? Now that they had a word for it, a nonbinary option, would they think to use it?
And they did. Not only did the Swedish speakers use the nonbinary optionto describe the, let’s face it, nonbinary human, but in other surveys they deployed hen (as well as han, but the feminine hon, too) to describe people in stories when their genders weren’t specified. Now, it’s true the researchers don’t have comparable tests from before 2012, before hen. So this result is, as UCLA political psychologist Efrén Pérez says, merely suggestive. Still, though, “this word has no biological associations. It’s from scratch. And it’s performing the way some proponents argued it would,” says Pérez, coauthor of a paper describing these tests in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. “These language changes can nudge people in directions some folks find normatively worthy.”
Anonymous asked:
I've recently realized that although I'm usually comfortable with my agab, on some level I tend to view myself as a person of another gender who's just "passing" as my assigned gender. It's like I'm convinced that I have a different body than I do, so I'm always a little bit surprised to be reminded of what mine looks like, and sometimes I feel guilt and shame about it, like I've been caught in a lie simply by being myself. Do any of the mods have experience with this/know of a term for it?
You definitely aren’t the first person I’ve heard this experience from. I’m not sure of a specific term, but this really sounds like it has to be a form of dissociation. It’s almost like depersonalization (or maybe anti/opposite-depersonalization) without the derealization component? But I’ve definitely heard others talking about this same experience.
Followers, anyone who can share their stories with this experience?
“How can you experience gender euphoria without dysphoria?”
Simple:
- You can be neutral, apathetic, or even okay/fine with your agab/how you are perceived but be euphoric regarding your gender(s)
- You can identify partially or sometimes with your agab/how you are perceived and be comfortable and/or euphoric with that while also being euphoric about your other gender component(s)
- You may not be sure of how you feel towards your agab/how you are perceived but are euphoric about your gender(s)
- You may feel not really connected but not really disconnected from your agab/how you are perceived but are euphoric about your gender(s)
- You may feel disconnected with your agab/how you’re perceived or like that’s not really you but do not define this as dysphoric and be euphoric about your gender(s)
- Any other experience of euphoria with no dysphoria I haven’t gone over here
On this blog, we do not define people’s experiences or force them to describe themselves or their experiences any one way. People get to describe and define their own lives and identities. We are not here to put people in nice, neat little boxes.
If you send us an ask trying to argue with us to this effect, it will be deleted. Repeated asks of this nature will earn you a block.
Anonymous asked:
How do you get over internalised homo/bi/pan-phobia as a nonbinary person? I'm enby but afab and recently realised I may be pan-romantic, with feelings for a girl. And it's weird because my partner is male so I know I'm technically not straight, but since being attracted to men is expected of my agab, I just ignored my internalised homophobia. And I feel like calling myself straight now is like pretending my trans side doesn't exist. T_T I just don't know how to accept this gay side of me.
Just like everyone else: a lot of time, hard work, and most of all: patience with yourself. Here are some solid steps you can take to address this internalized bigotry in yourself:
- Follow more positivity blogs aimed at enbe sexuality, towards queer folk, towards gay and lesbian folk, towards bi folk, towards pan folk, and towards nonbinary folk. Sometimes it’s hard to think positive things about something we’ve been taught to fear and shun and hate, but actually getting to hear from others can help us break down this negative cycle and enter a healthier one.
- Specifically state positive things yourself. Perhaps spend some time thinking on what the root of your negative feelings come from. Is it that you think these feelings are dirty or inappropriate? Is it that you fear how you’ll be treated if you acknowledge these feelings? Is it that these feelings are simply not what’s expected and therefore are “weird”? Once you can semi-pin down what makes you re-coil specifically, then use that to come up with some exact positive statements meant to reject these notions and offer healthier and more accepting perspectives. Come up with a list of 1 - 5 things. “Queer love is powerful”, “bi just means attraction to two or more genders; it has nothing to do with cheating”, “being gay is courageous”, “sexuality isn’t inherently dirty; I’m allowed to feel my feelings” - things like that. Write the list down. Read it in the morning and at night when you’re brushing your teeth. Say it. Think it. Learn it. Believe it. Accept it.
- Start working on mindfulness in yourself. Catch yourself when you find yourself thinking things like “my sexuality isn’t valid because it’s just what’s accepted” or “using the label I’m most comfortable with invalidates my trans-ness”. Catch the thoughts. Stop and take a deep breath - physically take a deep breath (always a good thing to stop and do). Re-direct your thinking to statements that are more accepting that specifically address the thought you just had. For example: “I’m feeling my feelings, my sexuality is valid, I’m doing nothing wrong, I’m allowed to be human and have human feelings and date people, especially those I’m attracted to” and “identity is confusing and complex and I am not invalidating myself by identifying as what feels most correct to me and what is most comfortable to me”. Then move on. Don’t dwell. Don’t argue with yourself. Do something distracting. Get to work on your homework. Open that duolingo app and do your 5 minutes of practice. Play a game you enjoy. Go over multiplication in your head. Bake something. Read a chapter in your book. Write a chapter of your book. Do something that you have to concentrate on so that you’re not sitting and getting caught in a negative spiral.
- Allow yourself to be human. If identifying as straight is what makes you feel most comfortable right now, then do that! As enbies we have to find our own ways to navigate this narrow-minded, binary world, and that can mean using binary terms and making them our own and making our own spaces in them. There are nonbinary people out there who identify as straight. Doing so does not invalidate their identity. Your identity is your own, so own it! If you’re struggling too hard to identify as straight or gay/bi/pan, then… don’t! Get rid of labels for a while. Call yourself questioning. Just identify as “you, someone in a happy relationship and just thinking about how you feel”. Give yourself time to get used to these new feelings that you’re discovering. You do not have to force yourself to use any label that doesn’t feel right or that you’re not ready to use yet. You’re not doing anyone harm or a disservice by navigating your sexuality on your own terms.
- Give it time. Be patient with yourself. Do not forget about self-care! Questioning is a really hard time. Coming to terms with new aspects of our identity is a really hard time. You’re doing great! Take it slow, and take care of yourself. Check in with yourself and see how you’re doing and don’t push yourself further than you can handle. You do not have to be anyone but yourself, and you’ll be your best self if you can treat yourself with some compassion. It’s frustrating to be caught in this cycle, but it doesn’t make you a bad person or mean you’re doing anything wrong. Take your time. Change will come.
[gif of a young black person with a hi-top fade and a five’o’clock shadow smiling and looking at a small potted plant of a green sprout that wiggles slightly, captioned “be patient in your growth”]
Anonymous asked:
Hello, I was wondering if you knew if any blogs, forums, pages, Reddit subs, etc for older (30+) NB/trans people? It feels like 95% of the resources out there are aimed at teens or young adults and I'd really like to find a place where I can talk to people with life experiences similar to my own. Thanks!
Great question! We do have a smallsmattering of relevant posts you might like checking out (at the very least, you might find some nb folk closer to your age that you can follow). Unfortunately, I’m not sure of a place meant specifically for nb adults.
It does look like there are semi-regularly some 30+ enbies that hang around r/nonbinary on reddit, but I couldn’t find a specific sub just for older enbies. It could be worth starting a topic or two there and seeing what attention you get, though!
Sometimes the best way to find what you need is to help create it. If you’re on a platform you’re comfortable with (tumblr, reddit, waterfall, facebook, twitter, wherever), it might be best to start your own group/gathering place and work on building up a community (we’d be happy to boost here!). I know, that’s a lot more work, but at least it could lead to something.
Do any followers know of any social gathering places for 30+ nonbinary/trans folk?
Anonymous asked:
I’ve explored my gender in the past and found that I like “they” and “she” (I’m afab) but a lot of transphobic people at my school made me drop the idea of exploring it. Now that I’m in college, my gf and I were talking and I was explaining how I feel about my chest (how it doesn’t look & feel right on me, I hate having boobs and how I want them gone) and she suggested how it being dysphoria (she’s trans mtf), genderqueer stands out to me but I’m uncertain because femininity comes and goes (1/2)
(2/2) but I don’t know if femininity coming and going is okay when IDing
as nb/genderqueer etc. Being called a young lady and a woman is
uncomfortable, but bearable. It’s just a little confusing and scary and I
could use some advice, if that’s okay
Nonbinary and genderqueer can be specific labels, but they are also beautifully inclusive umbrella terms. Their beauty comes in their vague, inclusive, openness and diverse array of feelings, thoughts, and experiences of what they mean to each individual who identifies these ways.
Nonbinary simply means “not binary”, ie not 100% only a woman or 100% only a man. That’s it. It covers no gender, multiple genders, fluid genders, fluxing genders, partial genders, non-understandable genders, indescribable genders, and more. It can be neutral, androgynous, feminine, masculine, other - whatever in whatever way you feel and express.
Genderqueer simply means “queer gender”, ie a non-normative gender and/or expression of gender. It overlaps with nonbinary but it also includes just straight up queering your gender. From this post, here is a succinct summary of what falls under the genderqueer umbrella:
as an umbrella term for identities “other” than man and woman
its political/radical implications
to refer to “queer” gender performance / expression
a stand-alone identity
Being nonbinary or genderqueer is not defined upon the axis of “rejecting all femininity always” or “only feeling distinctly androgynous and nothing else ever”. Nothing you said here puts you at odd with or contradicts you from identifying as nonbinary, genderqueer, or both.
